i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
