I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
