I think im going to throw up on grandma
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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