You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
