you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
