well you can't waste a boner
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
