i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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