I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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