i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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