bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
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Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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