She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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