Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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