I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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