I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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