If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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