If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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