Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
