So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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