Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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