My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
