I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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