Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't deserve a penis
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
