I cockslap morals
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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