We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
