if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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