Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
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Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I touched a dick in church today
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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