My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
