Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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