I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
