I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
