i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
