Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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