She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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