How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
