I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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