dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
