There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
