alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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