ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
