Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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