I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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