my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
