I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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