The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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