3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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