When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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