why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
