So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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