Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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