Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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