you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Who died my cat blue again?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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