I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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