Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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