he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
BRING THE BAGELS
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
