Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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