You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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